The Polygamist's Daughter

Stories, Reflections and Conclusions of Life on the Inside

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What Were You Wearing?

There are a few chapters in my book Fly, Fly Away that have been kicking my creative butt for far too long. Disseminating over 17 years of trauma to the mind, body, heart and spirit takes a lot of work to dig through. It is my intent to write my story as a novel, rather than a biography. Showing, rather than just telling draws on a completely different level of creativity. Here I share just a bit about a sexual assault in high-school and the big aha that came out of it.

In his supposed brilliance as a leader, the principal reported the incident to the local police, thinking that perhaps a legal threat would help me clean up my act and straighten my wayward ways. To my frightful demise, my parents were involved, they were the last people I wanted to have know about this.

A police officer, along with my parents, were called to the school after school hours. The uniformed officer met with my parents and I separate from Dan and his family. They had heard of Dan from his home precinct, but he was new to this part of the valley. The officer, my parents and I sat at a picnic table at the front of the main high-school building.

“I understand you had an altercation with a boy at school today,” he began as he pulled out his notebook, “Tell me, what were you wearing?”

“What was I wearing? What does that have to do with anything?” I blurted, shocked at the absurdity of his question.

“Well, you know that boys don’t act the way this young man did unless they feel provoked. We’ve found that when girls act or dress in a way that makes boys think they have permission that boys sometimes get over-excited. You must have done something to warrant his behavior. I’m asking you again, what were you wearing?”  

Now I finally got it! I finally understood what my father had said all those years ago about how girls wearing pants made boys think things. And I finally understood why in Girl’s Class they put so much emphasis on modesty, keeping our bodies covered, and not adorning ourselves. While it wasn’t said in so many words it became apparent that girls were held responsible for boy’s irresponsible behavior. My baby-blue long sleeved, modest neckline sweater with sweet little yellow and pink flowers was apparently too much for Dan to resist and he had to rip it off me. I knew I had done nothing to deserve what Dan had done to me. Why couldn’t this officer understand?

“Well, what were you wearing?”

“I was wearing my favorite sweater. It was light-blue with long sleeves and a high-neck and it had little flowers on it. It’s wasn’t even a tight sweater and now it’s ruined. I’m a nice girl, I promise.”

“Did you taunt him in some way, flirt with him or give me him a tease? You know how girls are.”

“No, I wouldn’t ever do that. I hate him. I hate his guts!”

 “Well, you must have done something to provoke this young man. I will meet with him next. You are free to go.”

What became really clear after looking back at this and other incidences of assault by boys at school, was the long-held belief that girls are the cause of boys sins. Is is such a long-held, unconscious belief that it goes all the way back to the story of Adam and Eve.

It is time for us as humanity to grow up, see the ridiculousness in the belief that women are the cause of the fall of men, and hold ourselves each accountable for our own actions, rather than placing blame elsewhere.

Until next time, Be Fearless & Free!

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Bullying Is Terrorism

One of the subjects I haven’t covered much on this blog is that of bullying. Part of the reason I suspect is that being bullied was a normal way of life for me for a very long time. As a little girl it came from my family, other children and the belief system itself. Everything in my life kept me feeling afraid. In high school it was my peers, both boys and girls, that took terrorizing me to an extreme and left me with nothing more than an obsession with suicide.

At the time there was no term for children hurting other children. It was simply overlooked as, “kids will be kids.”

When boys threw rocks at me, shot me with BB guns and used me for slingshot practice, I obviously did something to make them want to hurt me. In high school when I experienced sexual assault it was brushed of as “boys will be boys.” When girls called me names and physically attacked me, I must have done something to piss them off. Even when I was raped I was told it was my fault. In the belief that I must have done something to make others act the way they did, all of it culminated in a desire for nothing more than death to relieve my suffering.

When I hear stories now about kids committing suicide because they’ve been bullied, I get it. I REALLY get it.

For me, the bullying started when I was very young in the form of coercion. Coercion is an extreme form of bullying and it isn’t that uncommon even today. It is so mainstream that it often goes unrecognized. It shows its face in ways of manipulative parenting, extreme religions, peer pressure, micro-management, passive-aggressive behavior, gang mentality and so on.

Research has shown that the lasting effects include anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, symptoms of post-traumatic stress, attachment problems, substance abuse and suicide. When emotional terrorism is inflicted on children it becomes internalized and the result is self-terrorism. Children who are emotionally traumatized become the most vulnerable to being victimized, specifically for bullying as they grow into their teens and young adulthood. The long term effects result in lack of self-worth for even the most enterprising individual. These feelings of lack of self-worth are then cycled through to the next generation. And so it goes.

Children who are coerced and bullied are more likely to join gangs, get caught up in terrorism and be tantalized by cults as they grow into adults.

What those three all have in common is that they cause the hurt inner child to feel loved, as twisted as that love may appear. In these environments the inner-child  that has been broken by belief, feels safe and accepted. The bullies on the playground often become leaders, albeit fear-driven leaders because they know how easy it is to manipulate people. They know how to rally people to their cause and make followers feel heard.

This above all is the reason that we must be vigilant to teach our children kindness and mutual-respect. Children who grow up in unconditionally loving homes are far less likely to be affected by bullying when it comes their way. They are far less likely to be manipulated by fear and more likely to become healthy, happy, kind and compassionate adults.

Unconditional love and acceptance is the number one cause of happiness. 

This is my area of expertise. If you are having difficulty getting to the next level in your work, relationships or life as a whole, chances are you have unconscious fear-based beliefs blocking your happiness and forward movement.

Visit my official website and let’s help you find the happiness you rightfully deserve!


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Getting Stoned

For me, getting stoned has a completely different frame of reference than it probably does for most people. It really has to do with being stoned. 

I almost never remember my dreams but this one stuck with me. I had a dream last night about a young giraffe. It had done something wrong and was standing in the dirt and tied to a tall Palm tree unable to move. A group of men were standing around it and throwing rocks at it to punish it for what it had done. In the dream I stood off to the side watching helplessly. I thought to myself, “That poor giraffe, I wonder how it feels not knowing why people are throwing rocks at it.” Then a voice in my head said, “You know exactly how it feels, remember.”

Then I woke up and realized that I was the giraffe. A memory from my childhood young_giraffe_on_white_background_600came flooding back. I recall I was around eleven years old. Some people called me a giraffe because of my long, thin neck. 

Click HERE for the rest of the story.