The Polygamist's Daughter

Stories, Reflections and Conclusions of Life on the Inside


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Leaving Religion Changed My Life

In words of one of my favorite authors, Martha Beck, I lost the Mormons and found my faith.

When I was seventeen years old I ran away from home for good.  It was either that, or kill myself. 

The first time I was only thirteen. I left home on my bicycle after a school teacher openly made advances toward me.  My father found me and attempted to “beat some sense” into me.  The beating only made me more determined to leave the craziness of my religion. In my eyes, no loving God would beat a child into submission.

That wasn’t a God I wanted to believe in and I wanted to believe that love meant something more that what I saw around me. 

After leaving the Fundamentalist Mormon cult of my childhood I moved to Utah and became a member of the normal Mormon church. I went through all of the missionary teachings as though I were any ordinary gentile, never letting on where I came from and what I knew. I pretended to be a convert, even though I was already VERY familiar with the teachings. I had hoped that being accepted as a normal Mormon would help me feel better about myself and the God I had been taught to believe in. But that didn’t help. I felt awkward in false-acceptance and the fellow-shipping felt disingenuous, as though it had a hidden agenda I couldn’t quite put my finger on. All I knew is that all of it made me feel very uncomfortable, and it just didn’t feel right for me.

In my early twenties a friend of mine introduced me to a spiritual center. There was no fear-mongering or guilt-tripping, just happy people doing their own thing. 

For the very first time in my life I felt at home. I was never a regular attendee at this center, or any center, as memberships of any kind made me feel uncomfortable. The only time I stepped into any church over the next twenty years was for occasional weddings or funerals. My spirit felt free of dogmatic obligations and judgmental eyes as I came to terms with my own truth. The real freedom came just a few years ago when I finally found the process to ask for a release from the Mormon church.

Dismembering from the Mormon Church is a lot more difficult than becoming a member, just as disbelieving is. 

Now, more than ever before, my spirit is free to follow its own path. I am free to be who I am really here to be and I am free to listen to my own internal guidance without fear or guilt for trusting my own truth. Leaving religion is one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself. It has freed me up to connect to Spirit without the dogmatic perceptions, expectations and practices created by middle-men.

I am one with Spirit, God, Source, Love… and It is one with me. I am that I am and I am free! 

And yes, I forgave this past a long time ago. I could not do the work I am here to do had I not had the story that I have. I’ts all good.

Until next time, Be Fearless, Fabulous and Free!

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The Chosen Path

“Perhaps our path is not the one we are given. Perhaps our path is the one that we choose.” Mega Mind

pathMany of the kid’s movies emerging the past few years are teaching our youth that they are the creators of their reality and that they choose the direction their lives take. It is so refreshing to see that we are empowering children to make conscious choices rather than assuming someone or something else has it all planned out for them.

I remember as a child feeling like I was a pawn in God’s cruel game and that I had no choice how my life unfolded because it was all already planned for me. When people hurt me it was God’s will and part of His plan for me. The God I was taught to believe in was like the abusive parent who hurts His children and then expects to be loved even in the abuse. In my eyes, God was like my own father who would say, “I’m hurting you for your own good.”

Forced obedience to a relentlessly punishing father isn’t the same as unconditional love.  It is fear disguised as love.

Now I can see that free-will-choice is our ultimate freedom and as such we are the creators, co-creators and inter-creators of our lives. Every choice we make affects every other being on the planet and in that way we are all one. As much as we try to separate ourselves from ourselves as creators, and separate ourselves from each other, we cannot. Even when we give blame or credit to someone or something else, even God, we are all still creating. We are all choosing the direction our lives take, individually as well as collectively.

We are the creators of our reality and our paths are the paths we choose.

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Getting Stoned

For me, getting stoned has a completely different frame of reference than it probably does for most people. It really has to do with being stoned. 

I almost never remember my dreams but this one stuck with me. I had a dream last night about a young giraffe. It had done something wrong and was standing in the dirt and tied to a tall Palm tree unable to move. A group of men were standing around it and throwing rocks at it to punish it for what it had done. In the dream I stood off to the side watching helplessly. I thought to myself, “That poor giraffe, I wonder how it feels not knowing why people are throwing rocks at it.” Then a voice in my head said, “You know exactly how it feels, remember.”

Then I woke up and realized that I was the giraffe. A memory from my childhood young_giraffe_on_white_background_600came flooding back. I recall I was around eleven years old. Some people called me a giraffe because of my long, thin neck. 

Click HERE for the rest of the story.

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