The Polygamist's Daughter

Stories, Reflections and Conclusions of Life on the Inside


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Laying On Of Hands

I’m still working on the final edits of my book Fly, Fly Away.  Every time I pick it up and start working on it I have to relive the memories that came with it.

Why am I writing this book?  The answer is two-fold. People ask me all the time what it was like growing up the way that I did.  This book goes into detail about life in the cult, how we lived, what we believe, and why we believed, and it shares the trauma to my mind, body, heart and spirit that resulted from it.  That’s the surface reason for writing my story.  The deeper and bigger purpose for it is to help others work through their own pain story.

We all have a pain story, it’s simply a matter of processing the story and how we use it to empower ourselves and others.

Here is today’s snippet:

As I grew, life become increasingly complicated and more complex, and I became more exposed to the reality of the way things were. I knew that men had the priesthood power to lay their hands on me to heal my sorrows and mend my wounds, but I had not concept of how to resolve how I felt when they hit me, hurt me and touched me. I had always been told that the only place I would be safe from the temptations of Satan was in the company of men with the priesthood. Yet the company of men became the least safe place for me. Men began to take notice of me, no longer in my own home but throughout the community as well. I had been told from a very young age that my body was a private temple, but it became apparent to me that not everyone understood or agreed with what that meant. The laying on of hands that men were endowed with as part of their priesthood rightfulness was intended to be used in performing miracles and bring healing to their families. For me it took on an entirely different meaning altogether.

Unfortunately, men in the community seemed to think that little girl’s were personal property and I was constantly having to protect myself from their wandering hands and eyes, not always successfully.  The end result was a my own life over death choice, a choice I made by running away from home.

When I left there was no help to turn to and no resources. I had no choice to figure it out on my own and self-therapy.  That self-therapy is now what I teach to others as I help them process their own pain story.

Now there are resources for those who leave and a new one just came into my awareness.  This new non-profit organization is the work-of heart of several young women who left polygamist cults like mine and are dedicated to helping others who are finding courage to leave or who have been exiled. Check it out at www.HopeAfterPolygamy.org.  I’m so proud of these young women and the work they are doing to make the transition as painless and powerful as possible.

Until next time, be Fearless and Free!

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Leaving Religion Changed My Life

In words of one of my favorite authors, Martha Beck, I lost the Mormons and found my faith.

When I was seventeen years old I ran away from home for good.  It was either that, or kill myself. 

The first time I was only thirteen. I left home on my bicycle after a school teacher openly made advances toward me.  My father found me and attempted to “beat some sense” into me.  The beating only made me more determined to leave the craziness of my religion. In my eyes, no loving God would beat a child into submission.

That wasn’t a God I wanted to believe in and I wanted to believe that love meant something more that what I saw around me. 

After leaving the Fundamentalist Mormon cult of my childhood I moved to Utah and became a member of the normal Mormon church. I went through all of the missionary teachings as though I were any ordinary gentile, never letting on where I came from and what I knew. I pretended to be a convert, even though I was already VERY familiar with the teachings. I had hoped that being accepted as a normal Mormon would help me feel better about myself and the God I had been taught to believe in. But that didn’t help. I felt awkward in false-acceptance and the fellow-shipping felt disingenuous, as though it had a hidden agenda I couldn’t quite put my finger on. All I knew is that all of it made me feel very uncomfortable, and it just didn’t feel right for me.

In my early twenties a friend of mine introduced me to a spiritual center. There was no fear-mongering or guilt-tripping, just happy people doing their own thing. 

For the very first time in my life I felt at home. I was never a regular attendee at this center, or any center, as memberships of any kind made me feel uncomfortable. The only time I stepped into any church over the next twenty years was for occasional weddings or funerals. My spirit felt free of dogmatic obligations and judgmental eyes as I came to terms with my own truth. The real freedom came just a few years ago when I finally found the process to ask for a release from the Mormon church.

Dismembering from the Mormon Church is a lot more difficult than becoming a member, just as disbelieving is. 

Now, more than ever before, my spirit is free to follow its own path. I am free to be who I am really here to be and I am free to listen to my own internal guidance without fear or guilt for trusting my own truth. Leaving religion is one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself. It has freed me up to connect to Spirit without the dogmatic perceptions, expectations and practices created by middle-men.

I am one with Spirit, God, Source, Love… and It is one with me. I am that I am and I am free! 

And yes, I forgave this past a long time ago. I could not do the work I am here to do had I not had the story that I have. I’ts all good.

Until next time, Be Fearless, Fabulous and Free!

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The Chosen Path

“Perhaps our path is not the one we are given. Perhaps our path is the one that we choose.” Mega Mind

pathMany of the kid’s movies emerging the past few years are teaching our youth that they are the creators of their reality and that they choose the direction their lives take. It is so refreshing to see that we are empowering children to make conscious choices rather than assuming someone or something else has it all planned out for them.

I remember as a child feeling like I was a pawn in God’s cruel game and that I had no choice how my life unfolded because it was all already planned for me. When people hurt me it was God’s will and part of His plan for me. The God I was taught to believe in was like the abusive parent who hurts His children and then expects to be loved even in the abuse. In my eyes, God was like my own father who would say, “I’m hurting you for your own good.”

Forced obedience to a relentlessly punishing father isn’t the same as unconditional love.  It is fear disguised as love.

Now I can see that free-will-choice is our ultimate freedom and as such we are the creators, co-creators and inter-creators of our lives. Every choice we make affects every other being on the planet and in that way we are all one. As much as we try to separate ourselves from ourselves as creators, and separate ourselves from each other, we cannot. Even when we give blame or credit to someone or something else, even God, we are all still creating. We are all choosing the direction our lives take, individually as well as collectively.

We are the creators of our reality and our paths are the paths we choose.

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