The Polygamist's Daughter

Stories, Reflections and Conclusions of Life on the Inside


Discovery Investigation on Polygamy Living

Recently I was invited by the Discovery Channel to be an expert authority on the subject of polygamy. This was for an investigative story surrounding Sean Goff, a man of God who murdered one of his wives. While I personally have not had the suffering (what others might call joy) of sharing my husband, which by the way, I find the dichotomy of suffering and joy to be seriously twisted, I have seen enough polygamy in my life to understand the basis behind it.

It was my intent with this interview simply to shed light on polygamy and not to condone or support it as a lifestyle choice. I will let my friend Kristyn Decker be the expert on the lifestyle and what it feels like to be in and out of it. Personally I don’t like the feeling of againstness – it just doesn’t feel good in my heart. My purpose is to bring lightheartedness into everything I touch and hopefully open the space for others to see the ridiculousness in many of their beliefs and choices. Speaking from personal experience of course…

Whew, after viewing the footage I am glad to see that in the editing process my words were not twisted into anything they were unintended for. You never know what will end up on the cutting room floor or manipulated to move a story a particular direction.

If you don’t have the opportunity to view the entire show on Investigation Discovery, here is a link to view a few short clips. This guy lost his connection to God somewhere – the mind has a way of doing that when ego takes the reins. And no, he was not any kind of Mormon. He was a “Christian Polygamist.” And yes, he justified his lifestyle by the Old Testament.

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What I Think about Polygamy Now

What do I really think about polygamy? Well that has changed over the years from thinking it was something God expected of me, to seeing it as a religious abuse and a human rights abuse against women and everything in between.

Having multiple sex partners and making lots of love sounds fabulous in theory, yet in reality I believe it is sadly missing the most crucial elements for genuine joy. It is important to understand that joy and happiness are two different things. Happiness is an emotion that can be generated in the belief that we are happy. It is generated by the perception of our choices and actions. Some people are perfectly happy in their misery, not realizing that joy is accessible. Joy is a state of being and occurs when we are fulfilled within ourselves and we no longer live our lives by the beliefs and expectations of anyone or anything else outside of ourselves. It is the result of our heart working to its full potential in alignment with our own inner truth.

Back to polygamy. Polygamy stems from a time in our human history when women were owned and collected by men and traded along with other livestock to build the kingdoms of men. King Solomon had hundreds of wives because he was a king with a very wealthy kingdom. Men gave him their daughters to earn favor with the king and in the hopes that their daughters would have a better life.

What does that have to do with today’s polygamy? Polygamy, now (except where polyamory is practiced – the newest hip term for open relationships, and a few ancient cultures where polyandry is practiced) only exists in cultures and belief systems where women are still recognized as being worth less than men and is justified by religion, otherwise recognized as religiously coerced polygyny. Some argue that it should be a person’s choice and yet any choice based in coercion, when there is a proverbial gun held at your head, isn’t really a free-will choice. It is a choice based in fear and is among the fear-based beliefs I often speak of.

Taking it a step further and assuming it is a choice based in freedom, there are still other issues to consider. It is nearly impossible to have a relationship that is balanced in the masculine and feminine when the numbers are lopsided. In a world where we are attempting to create balance and equality, polygamy simply does not make sense. The more women in the relationship the more masculine and authoritarian the man in the relationship is. That is why extremely authoritarian men are drawn to this form of relationship. The practice of polygyny also causes an imbalance among men. Men who are the most desirable attract the most women, leaving ordinary men without partners. Studies have shown that this imbalance increases violence in men and more hatred toward women. Precisely the opposite of the masculine/feminine balance and mutual respect so many of us are working to create.

And one more thought for consideration. Polygamy is heart breaking, or at the very least prevents the heart from working to its full potential. Women must guard their heart and cannot allow themselves to fully and completely love and connect with their husbands, simply because it hurts too much, and lovemaking lacks the creation of love. It also prevents men from opening up their heart and giving to their full ability out of the fear propagating jealousy and resentment between their wives. And yet, this is sold as love and beauty. What kind of love is it when we intentionally block our hearts from loving and creating to their greatest capacity?

In all honesty I don’t think polygamy can work until the world finally recognizes, once and for all, that men and women are equal. That if men can have more than one wife, women should be allowed the same courtesy, and that love can and should be given openly and freely without fear, coercion or jealousy.  It is certainly not my cup of tea, but in a perfect world it just might work. In a perfect world!


Polygamy, Homosexuality and Open Marriage are like Apples, Oranges and Grapes

Many people continually contend that it polygamy is a lifestyle choice similar to same-sex partnerships. Others contend that there is no comparison, and that comparing polygamy to homosexuality is akin to comparing apples to oranges.  So which one is it?  I suggest that this subject is really more like comparing apples, oranges and grapes.  That there is no comparison between polygamy, homosexuality and open marriage because they are three very different things.

In most cases throughout America and around the world, polygamy is not about love.  Rather it is about men’s sexuality and the subjugation of women. It is being sold to women as love, convincing them it is for their own good. The history of marriage as a whole is not about love, the sanctity of husband and wife, or about morality. Marriage was created as a means of bartering stock and virgins took top dollar.  Women who had been tainted, by whatever means, had no value and became servants in their own homes or even murdered by their families for their disgrace.  Women were held responsible for men’s behavior and still are to this day to some degree; don’t even get me started on that…. Men wanted to be guaranteed that their seed was the only seed planted in the womb of a woman.  We still see this reflected in the “giving away of a daughter to her new husband” in our marriage ceremonies today. We see this reflected in the white virgin wedding dress and in the veil intended to hide a woman’s face until the transaction is complete.  And we see it reflected in the wedding vows when a woman promises to “respect and obey” her new husband. Granted these vows have been changing as women become more assured of their true worth and potential and as marriage becomes more recognized as a partnership rather than ownership.

There is a vast difference between open sexual relationships with multiple partners and marriages with lifetime and eternal contracts that often accompany polygamy. In the tradition of polygamy, women are collected by men who had the financial means to purchase and own them. Great kings of the Bible were the largest holders of land, property, wealth and women. This does not necessarily make them men of God. Each of the men who are revered by modern men for polygamy was chastised by God for their gluttony and greed.  Yet modern day men still put them on a pedestal, wanting to be more like them.  Many of us base our current day beliefs and practices on the practices of men thousands of years ago, without taking into consideration that the stories were written for the socio-economic situations of the day. They were not written for those of us who might be reading them thousands of years later. We were the furthest things from their mind because just like us they were dealing with their own day-to-day issues.  Yet we have made it our business to read into these stories and extrapolate what we want to hear. Anything and everything has been justified in the name of religion and has been extracted from the stories in the historical documents that we consider to be God’s word.  Every known atrocity from war, slavery, servitude, child abuse, murder, sacrifice, torture and polygamy has been found in our ancient texts, and these findings are still used today as justification for such human rights abuses.

When I hear people asking to have the law against polygamy overturned it breaks my heart.  President Abraham Lincoln recognized it for what it was had it banished along with slavery.  Reversing this opens up a Pandora ’s Box.  Polygamy is not the same as open marriage, although that is how it is now being sold in America.  It is simply a term that is being thrown about as the latest buzzword for alternative relationship choices.  But they are very, very different in reality.  I agree that we cannot put restrictions on how people choose to express their love and sexuality as long as it does not hurt anyone else.  Mutually consenting adults who genuinely express love and explore the pleasures of what it means to be human is entirely different from the binding contract of marriage. Numerous studies show that polygamy, specifically polygyny, is harmful to society.  For those who gravitate to open relationships, enjoy all of the love-making you desire, just please don’t call it polygamy.

And then of course there is homosexuality. This is not a lifestyle choice and we now have the scientific evidence to back this up.  It cannot be caught like a disease and it is not a perversion. Morality is defined by individuals not by nature. Some of the most beautiful, loving and spiritual people I know are homosexual. It is simply how they are biologically designed. One part of me can’t help but wonder if this is part of our collective evolution.  As we overburden the planet will we biologically mutate to slow the population grown? This is yet to be seen…

To recap, Polygamy is a human rights abuse that has most-often been justified by religion, open relationships are a lifestyle choice and homosexuality is biological. There is simply no comparison between the three.  Apples, oranges and grapes!