The Polygamist's Daughter

Stories, Reflections and Conclusions of Life on the Inside


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What I Think about Polygamy Now

What do I really think about polygamy? Well that has changed over the years from thinking it was something God expected of me, to seeing it as a religious abuse and a human rights abuse against women and everything in between.

Having multiple sex partners and making lots of love sounds fabulous in theory, yet in reality I believe it is sadly missing the most crucial elements for genuine joy. It is important to understand that joy and happiness are two different things. Happiness is an emotion that can be generated in the belief that we are happy. It is generated by the perception of our choices and actions. Some people are perfectly happy in their misery, not realizing that joy is accessible. Joy is a state of being and occurs when we are fulfilled within ourselves and we no longer live our lives by the beliefs and expectations of anyone or anything else outside of ourselves. It is the result of our heart working to its full potential in alignment with our own inner truth.

Back to polygamy. Polygamy stems from a time in our human history when women were owned and collected by men and traded along with other livestock to build the kingdoms of men. King Solomon had hundreds of wives because he was a king with a very wealthy kingdom. Men gave him their daughters to earn favor with the king and in the hopes that their daughters would have a better life.

What does that have to do with today’s polygamy? Polygamy, now (except where polyamory is practiced – the newest hip term for open relationships, and a few ancient cultures where polyandry is practiced) only exists in cultures and belief systems where women are still recognized as being worth less than men and is justified by religion, otherwise recognized as religiously coerced polygyny. Some argue that it should be a person’s choice and yet any choice based in coercion, when there is a proverbial gun held at your head, isn’t really a free-will choice. It is a choice based in fear and is among the fear-based beliefs I often speak of.

Taking it a step further and assuming it is a choice based in freedom, there are still other issues to consider. It is nearly impossible to have a relationship that is balanced in the masculine and feminine when the numbers are lopsided. In a world where we are attempting to create balance and equality, polygamy simply does not make sense. The more women in the relationship the more masculine and authoritarian the man in the relationship is. That is why extremely authoritarian men are drawn to this form of relationship. The practice of polygyny also causes an imbalance among men. Men who are the most desirable attract the most women, leaving ordinary men without partners. Studies have shown that this imbalance increases violence in men and more hatred toward women. Precisely the opposite of the masculine/feminine balance and mutual respect so many of us are working to create.

And one more thought for consideration. Polygamy is heart breaking, or at the very least prevents the heart from working to its full potential. Women must guard their heart and cannot allow themselves to fully and completely love and connect with their husbands, simply because it hurts too much, and lovemaking lacks the creation of love. It also prevents men from opening up their heart and giving to their full ability out of the fear propagating jealousy and resentment between their wives. And yet, this is sold as love and beauty. What kind of love is it when we intentionally block our hearts from loving and creating to their greatest capacity?

In all honesty I don’t think polygamy can work until the world finally recognizes, once and for all, that men and women are equal. That if men can have more than one wife, women should be allowed the same courtesy, and that love can and should be given openly and freely without fear, coercion or jealousy.  It is certainly not my cup of tea, but in a perfect world it just might work. In a perfect world!


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Finding My Purpose

I am now forty-something and have finally figured out what I want to be when I grow up.  My story does not end with leaving the community of my childhood, although when I left I hoped to write a new story and forget where I came from. I had hoped that by leaving my circumstances that the pain I felt deep inside of me would mysteriously disappear.  I had no idea that I had been a victim of what is now being recognized as religious and spiritual abuse.  All of the pain and trauma of my childhood followed me into my new life as I attempted to navigate the real world, with very little education and very few social skills.

In an attempt to fit in, and to drown the pain I felt, I abused myself through alcohol, drugs, sex and food, not recognizing that it was a form of self-abuse.  I was terrified of telling anyone where I came from or what I had experienced, out of fear that I would be institutionalized.  I floundered in a world I had been told my entire life to fear, in the belief that everyone in the outside world worked for the devil and existed to drag my soul into hell.  After several years of living on the edge of sanity and facing daily thoughts of suicide, I was introduced to self-help books by a roommate. That began the process of what I call self-therapy and took me on a road of self-discovery.  In that journey I learned what it meant to make choices for myself and how choices have consequences. I had never been allowed to make choices as a child, and I had no idea that I played any role in the direction of my life. I was simply a pawn in God’s game.

As I discovered that my choices create my reality, I began to create a life that most people would envy. I married a wonderful man, owned a successful business, traveled the world and eventually had two perfect children. Yet underlying all of the success I was never completely happy and I could not pinpoint why.

Several years ago when the economy crashed I faced what many would recognize as a mid-life crisis, and what I now lovingly call my mid-life rebirth.  I lost my business and my husband lost his work. We were over a million dollars in debt because of business failure and borrowing against our home to keep the business afloat. At one point we had spent all of our savings and maxed out all of our credit cards in the fight for survival.  There was a time when we had only $17 dollars remaining and had no idea where any more money would come from to feed our family.  We found ourselves in the throes of bankruptcy as the only way out of our dilemma and our home was forced into foreclosure. At that same time my children were both diagnosed with learning disorders and my marriage was failing.  Everything I had built for myself was crashing down around me.

In the midst of my chaos I discovered the roots of why I had never been happy and I began to rebuild my life with this new understanding.  I discovered that the fear-based beliefs of my childhood religion were a greater abuse than any physical or sexual abuse I endured. Much like emotional abuse, spiritual abuse affected me in a very deep an profound way that prevented me from finding true happiness.  Only worse, because unlike emotional abuse, which affected my mind and heart, spiritual abuse also caused trauma to my soul and affected inner worth.

In discovering this form of abuse I have now been able to work through it and heal it. This awareness has spawned me to become an advocate for those who have been traumatized by spiritual abuse and to speak out about the abuses that are hidden within religious dogma. Polygamy is one of those abuses that I recognize as a crime against humanity and justified by religion. This understanding has also spurred me to write books about the deception of religion and to become a documentary filmmaker with a focus on spiritual abuse and recovery. In my research I have discovered, that the pain I felt after I left my religion and my attempt to adjust to the real world, is similar to others who have left cult-like religions.  Drug and alcohol addiction, prostitution, teen pregnancy, poverty and suicide are common threads in nearly every story I have come across. While I am not anti-religion, I am not afraid to say it as I see it.  It is time for our religions to evolve.

I now live a life that is filled with pure joy, true fulfillment and inner bliss. This is something I wish for everyone and I believe is truly possible for anyone who seeks it.


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Evolution of Man

There are some who argue that polygamy is the natural way of humankind and monogamy is a manipulation, perhaps, but it is part of the process we know of as evolution. We cannot deny evolution as we witness it every day in our own lives. Evolution is more than physical adaptation; it is the constant learning, growing and creating we do individually and collectively. It is the process of surviving our circumstances, learning from our experiences and moving forward into newer versions of ourselves.  It is an ever increasing understanding of our place in the universe, our beliefs about who we are and the development of new technologies. Since our inception we have continually evolved as we learn new ways of being and moving through life. The evolution of humankind has been experienced for many millennia and our own historical records show physical evidence of this progression.

Although we have evolved to a place where most of us recognized the equality of men and women there are still some who cling to the belief that men must collect and conquer women. That it is a man’s biological need to plant his “seed” into as many women as possible. In the dawning age of man when ever increasing numbers were needed to insure survival of the species that physical nature was true. The biological awareness of a lion on the savannas of Africa is that same natural state of being. It is a survival mechanism built into the animals and was once built into us. But we have evolved past the need for human survival in a wild and dangerous world where we are the prey and resources are scarce.

Many of the less evolved societies insist that sex is a masculine need and female obligation. Making love has been twisted into a perversion when in actuality we all need to make love and to be in loving connective relationships. It is a basic human need to be loved and feel a close connection to other human beings. While some argue that men are less likely to cheat on their wives if they are allowed more than one wife that is simply not the case. Most men are perfectly content with one wife. Men rarely stray from marriage because of sex, but because an emotional need is not being met. Evolved men are monogamous by nature and when men’s emotional and physical needs are met by their partners they have no desire to look elsewhere for fulfillment. A superior male recognizes that relationships based in partnership are more rewarding and fulfilling than those based in ownership.

Societies that live and teach polygamy are societies that refuse to evolve, which is evidenced in their other beliefs. In the societies where men are allowed to have more than one woman and where it is acceptable practice to barter and trade women like animals men are reduced to animalistic activities and tendencies. Most polygamist relationships are not based in love but are based in male domination and control. Many polygamist societies use outdated religious beliefs as a means to justify what is recognized by more evolved societies as a violation of human rights.

There are some who argue that polygamy is a more natural state for women. Sadly many women have been manipulated to believe it is the only way they can have truly fulfilling relationships with other women and the only way they can have their needs met. Women are forced to compete with each other for the intimacy of their husband which disempowers them. They live in the belief they are not worthy of real intimacy and they live in the lie that they are helpless. Women are so much stronger and self-sufficient than those societies allow them to be. The relationship women desire with other women exists in friendship, not competition and women deserve real and genuine love that is unhampered by outdated practices and beliefs.

While there are some who refuse to accept the evolutionary process and attempt to remove themselves from it we cannot deny its existence. It is built into us and is in essence the way we are created. We were created to learn and grow and to evolve. I like to believe that men have evolved beyond the beasts of the field. Certainly the men in my life have.