Today’s snippet from Fly, Fly Away: From the Prisons of Polygamy and Patriarchy to the Freedom of Deep Truth.
In my childhood religion we believed that no one could forgive us except for God. We were stuck with our sins until the great and terrible day of judgment in the afterlife when all of humanity would be called before God and their eternal fate determined in one fail swoop. We laughed at the crazy Catholics who actually believed that a man behind a magic curtain like the Wizard of Oz could absolve them of their sins. They were free to sin as much as they wanted and then magically get to start all over again as if nothing had ever happened. The ecclesiastical white out made everything okay. I admit there was a little jealousy that they got to live guilt free, while I had to carry the guilt with me for eternity. All they had to do was believe and confess while I had to work my butt off every day for God’s acceptance of me. We didn’t just have to believe in Jesus as our savior, we had to be perfect like Jesus. Through perfection, we got to be more than saved, we were exalted. Guilt for our sins was the price we paid for making it to the top of heaven.
This was my perceptive as a teenager after being exposed to some Catholic kids in the public school my parents finally broke down and allowed me to attend. This was among the many evils of the world my parents didn’t want me to be exposed to.
“An idle mind is a tool of the devil” was one of the greatest misconceptions of my childhood. I’m pondering this morning on the subject of guilt, particularly on the subject of religious guilt. It was such a part of my childhood that it was the driving force behind my low-self esteem.
Even as a child my mind wondered into spiritual concepts and understanding what could not be explained by my parents religious dogma. They believed that their religion held every answer to every conceivable question, that it left “no stone unturned and no question left unanswered,” and therefore, any concept outside of their particular religion was a misconception from the devil attempting to tempt me and lead me astray.
I felt guilty for not having a testimony of our religion being the only true religion. I felt guilty for not getting up in church and telling people I believed the church to be true. I felt guilty for not believing everything I heard at church and in our religious teachings at school. I felt guilty for doubting God’s only truth. l felt guilty for allowing myself to have an idle mind that tempted me with other spiritual awareness. I felt guilty for my gifts of understanding concepts that were not taught to me by my leaders. I could not explain how I knew what I knew and felt guilty for knowing, because thinking for myself was seen as temptation. I felt so guilty for having spiritual gifts that I shut them down and tried to believe in, “the only right way.” But I never really bought into it and felt guilty for not following God’s pre-approved plan. Guilt in essence broke my heart and shut down my gifts of inspiration, all because I quieted my mind instead of keeping it busy with school and approved religious studies.
What I came to recognize a few years ago is that an idle mind is a tool for inspiration. It opens us up to higher concepts, allows the imagination to spur creation and forwards our individual and collective evolution. It is simply a matter of what we choose to tap into and focus on. I let go of guilt a long time ago and came to fully embrace the gifts of understanding that are a part of having an idle mind.
An idle mind is your greatest tool for inspiration. Quiet the chatter in your mind, allow yourself to question everything and listen for your truth to reveal itself to you.
I was seventeen years old when I climbed into the back of a car driven by a teenage boy I barely knew. On that cold January night while the other passengers slept, I sat staring out the window watching the snow swirl around us as we sped through the Idaho dessert on our way to the promised land of Salt Lake City. Sitting in that car I never intended to go back to The Ranch or ever even look back. For the first time in my life I was free to chart my own destiny and although I had no idea what it looked like, I knew it wasn’t in the one place I had always called home.
For the next five years I struggled to make my way in the world I had been taught my entire life to fear. I attempted to drown my fears and sorrows in anyone and anything that came across my path as I searched for happiness and a sense of purpose. While on the outside I was a happy-go-lucky party girl, on the inside suicide plagued my mind. I lived a meaningless life riddled with shame and guilt, and with resentment toward myself and everyone in my past that had ever hurt me.
In my early twenties synchronicity brought me to learn that my inner turmoil was a result of my past experiences and that I was completely normal considering the trauma I had undergone. My mind began to open to new possibilities as I was introduced to self-help books and I began the process of what I now call self-therapy.
My books became my life saver and I told myself that someday I would write a book and give back to humanity the way that the teachers in my books had given to me. All of those years ago I had a dream of someday being an inspirational teacher to others. As the years went by I forgot about my desire to inspire people and followed the money instead. Just like so many other people do. I had a profitable business, traveled the world with my husband and children and I owned a beautiful home. It wasn’t until the economy put me out of business that I began to wake up and remember the desire I once had. My true life purpose began calling to me.
For several years I had been writing a book about my childhood and thought that it was the story that would bring me fame and fortune, but for some reason I could never seem to finish it. Now I know why. It wasn’t the book that had called me to write. The self-improvement book I had promised myself twenty five years earlier that I would write, pushed itself into the forefront. I had completely forgotten about that promise until one of my favorite self-help authors showed up on stage in front of me a few months ago. Then it all came flooding back. The only career I have ever really wanted and the only one that really inspired me was a career that inspired others.
Twenty five years later I am now a published author of the self-help book I said I would someday write. I am now standing on stages and mentoring others on how to find their own happiness and heal the trauma from their past. I am finally doing the work that called to me so many years earlier and I am loving every minute of it.
So, how did I break through the barrier of “someday I am going to write a book” and actually do it? The push I needed to birth my new life as a published author showed up in my email one day. I don’t know where it came from or how I got on the list, and I said yes. The Transformational Authors Experience literally changed my life in so many ways.
If you have a book within you and you find yourself saying “someday I am going to write”, I highly recommend Christine Kloser’sauthor program. She only presents this once a year and I have found it so valuable I am doing it again this year. The other book about my childhood is now finally finished and ready to move into the publishing process. Christine has now become a friend of mine and I can say with complete confidence that her programs make dreams come true. Checkout the Transformational Author Experience.
And if you have a few minutes to spare I recommend checking out my interview with Christine. I was one of only five authors chosen to share our TAE story. Listen to the interview here http://instantteleseminar.com/?eventid=40486098 and then go to the TAE website at click http://tinyurl.com/TAE-Kloser if you want more information on becoming an author yourself.
