The Polygamist's Daughter

Stories, Reflections and Conclusions of Life on the Inside


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Some Day I Am Going to Write a Book

I was seventeen years old when I climbed into the back of a car driven by a teenage boy I barely knew.  On that cold January night while the other passengers slept, I sat staring out the window watching the snow swirl around us as we sped through the Idaho dessert on our way to the promised land of Salt Lake City. Sitting in that car I never intended to go back to The Ranch or ever even look back. For the first time in my life I was free to chart my own destiny and although I had no idea what it looked like, I knew it wasn’t in the one place I had always called home.

For the next five years I struggled to make my way in the world I had been taught my entire life to fear. I attempted to drown my fears and sorrows in anyone and anything that came across my path as I searched for happiness and a sense of purpose. While on the outside I was a happy-go-lucky party girl, on the inside suicide plagued my mind. I lived a meaningless life riddled with shame and guilt, and with resentment toward myself and everyone in my past that had ever hurt me.

In my early twenties synchronicity brought me to learn that my inner turmoil was a result of my past experiences and that I was completely normal considering the trauma I had undergone. My mind began to open to new possibilities as I was introduced to self-help books and I began the process of what I now call self-therapy.

My books became my life saver and I told myself that someday I would write a book and give back to humanity the way that the teachers in my books had given to me. All of those years ago I had a dream of someday being an inspirational teacher to others. As the years went by I forgot about my desire to inspire people and followed the money instead. Just like so many other people do. I had a profitable business, traveled the world with my husband and children and I owned a beautiful home.  It wasn’t until the economy put me out of business that I began to wake up and remember the desire I once had.  My true life purpose began calling to me.

For several years I had been writing a book about my childhood and thought that it was the story that would bring me fame and fortune, but for some reason I could never seem to finish it. Now I know why. It wasn’t the book that had called me to write. The self-improvement book I had promised myself twenty five years earlier that I would write, pushed itself into the forefront. I had completely forgotten about that promise until one of my favorite self-help authors showed up on stage in front of me a few months ago. Then it all came flooding back. The only career I have ever really wanted and the only one that really inspired me was a career that inspired others.

Twenty five years later I am now a published author of the self-help book I said I would someday write. I am now standing on stages and mentoring others on how to find their own happiness and heal the trauma from their past.  I am finally doing the work that called to me so many years earlier and I am loving every minute of it.

So, how did I break through the barrier of “someday I am going to write a book” and actually do it? The push I needed to birth my new life as a published author showed up in my email one day. I don’t know where it came from or how I got on the list, and I said yes. The Transformational Authors Experience literally changed my life in so many ways.

If you have a book within you and you find yourself saying “someday I am going to write”, I highly recommend Christine Kloser’s author program. She only presents this once a year and I have found it so valuable I am doing it again this year.  The other book about my childhood is now finally finished and ready to move into the publishing process. Christine has now become a friend of mine and I can say with complete confidence that her programs make dreams come true. Checkout the Transformational Author Experience.

And if you have a few minutes to spare I recommend checking out my interview with Christine. I was one of only five authors chosen to share our TAE story. Listen to the interview here http://instantteleseminar.com/?eventid=40486098 and then go to the TAE website at click http://tinyurl.com/TAE-Kloser if you want more information on becoming an author yourself.


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Remembering My Magnificence

For the past four and half years I have found myself in an amazing transformational journey. At first it was not so amazing as my entire life began crumbling around me and I wondered if and how I would ever find my foothold again. Everything I had spent my life working for no longer worked and much of my life stopped making sense. Somewhere in my thirties I forgot who I was and I thought I had arrived at who I wanted to be. Then it all came crumbling down.

I had known for most of my adult life that I would someday write about my story of growing up in polygamy. And after being introduced to self-improvement books in the 1980’s I set an intention with myself that someday after I found success I would write a self- improvement book. It would be my way of saying thank you to those who had helped me find my emotional freedom and a guidebook for others who were searching for theirs. The book about growing up in polygamy has been a work in progress for over twelve years, there I said it. I could not understand until recently why I was unable to finish this book and now I understand. I wasn’t ready, and the perspective to write it from needed the fine tuning that only comes with inner transformation and enlightenment. The self-improvement book birthed itself unplanned in the middle of writing the story of my childhood. I had forgotten about my intention to write the self-improvement book until a few months ago, several months after I published the book. Further evidence that intentions work, we just don’t always know the timing that causes them to manifest.

One other intention I had set for myself over the past few years was not to write or talk about my childhood or polygamy until I could communicate through the eyes of love. While the name of this blog indicates that my focus is on polygamy that was not my intention. I am not the expert on polygamy from an adult perspective and can never profess to be. I did not live it or feel the pain in my heart of sharing my husband. And yet I did see the pain it caused my parents and those closest to me, and I understand why they chose to live it under the guise of love and through religious coercion. Long after I left home I felt the guilt and shame that came with not living up to God’s expectation of me to live this, His most sacred law. And for many years I lived with the question of whether I would spend an eternity in Hell for letting Him down. I now see polygamy for the imbalance that it creates and that in the free-will-choice we are all guaranteed, many do and will continue to make choices that cause them pain and suffering for the promise of eternal exaltation.

My intention for writing this blog was to share stories about my childhood and how the lessons I have learned in the last four plus years of my transformational journey can help others in seeing their past with new eyes. While I support those who are out fighting the fight to breakdown religious tyranny, bring about global human rights and expose the harms against humanity in the name of religion, standing in the trenches fighting the fight is not in alignment with my higher purpose. My purpose in all of my writing, speaking, mentoring, and filmmaking is to uplift those who are fighting the fight, to remind them of who they are and why they fight for all of humankind. For a very long time I felt alone in the discussion of religion and how it is no longer necessary for the ascension of humanity. Now I know that there are many who are telling this truth, which frees me up to return my focus to my heart’s work. The work of inspiring those who are ready to open their minds, hearts and souls to their own greater possibilities. To let them see that the veil of separation is nothing more than an illusion and that we are all truly magnificent.


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Finding My Purpose

I am now forty-something and have finally figured out what I want to be when I grow up.  My story does not end with leaving the community of my childhood, although when I left I hoped to write a new story and forget where I came from. I had hoped that by leaving my circumstances that the pain I felt deep inside of me would mysteriously disappear.  I had no idea that I had been a victim of what is now being recognized as religious and spiritual abuse.  All of the pain and trauma of my childhood followed me into my new life as I attempted to navigate the real world, with very little education and very few social skills.

In an attempt to fit in, and to drown the pain I felt, I abused myself through alcohol, drugs, sex and food, not recognizing that it was a form of self-abuse.  I was terrified of telling anyone where I came from or what I had experienced, out of fear that I would be institutionalized.  I floundered in a world I had been told my entire life to fear, in the belief that everyone in the outside world worked for the devil and existed to drag my soul into hell.  After several years of living on the edge of sanity and facing daily thoughts of suicide, I was introduced to self-help books by a roommate. That began the process of what I call self-therapy and took me on a road of self-discovery.  In that journey I learned what it meant to make choices for myself and how choices have consequences. I had never been allowed to make choices as a child, and I had no idea that I played any role in the direction of my life. I was simply a pawn in God’s game.

As I discovered that my choices create my reality, I began to create a life that most people would envy. I married a wonderful man, owned a successful business, traveled the world and eventually had two perfect children. Yet underlying all of the success I was never completely happy and I could not pinpoint why.

Several years ago when the economy crashed I faced what many would recognize as a mid-life crisis, and what I now lovingly call my mid-life rebirth.  I lost my business and my husband lost his work. We were over a million dollars in debt because of business failure and borrowing against our home to keep the business afloat. At one point we had spent all of our savings and maxed out all of our credit cards in the fight for survival.  There was a time when we had only $17 dollars remaining and had no idea where any more money would come from to feed our family.  We found ourselves in the throes of bankruptcy as the only way out of our dilemma and our home was forced into foreclosure. At that same time my children were both diagnosed with learning disorders and my marriage was failing.  Everything I had built for myself was crashing down around me.

In the midst of my chaos I discovered the roots of why I had never been happy and I began to rebuild my life with this new understanding.  I discovered that the fear-based beliefs of my childhood religion were a greater abuse than any physical or sexual abuse I endured. Much like emotional abuse, spiritual abuse affected me in a very deep an profound way that prevented me from finding true happiness.  Only worse, because unlike emotional abuse, which affected my mind and heart, spiritual abuse also caused trauma to my soul and affected inner worth.

In discovering this form of abuse I have now been able to work through it and heal it. This awareness has spawned me to become an advocate for those who have been traumatized by spiritual abuse and to speak out about the abuses that are hidden within religious dogma. Polygamy is one of those abuses that I recognize as a crime against humanity and justified by religion. This understanding has also spurred me to write books about the deception of religion and to become a documentary filmmaker with a focus on spiritual abuse and recovery. In my research I have discovered, that the pain I felt after I left my religion and my attempt to adjust to the real world, is similar to others who have left cult-like religions.  Drug and alcohol addiction, prostitution, teen pregnancy, poverty and suicide are common threads in nearly every story I have come across. While I am not anti-religion, I am not afraid to say it as I see it.  It is time for our religions to evolve.

I now live a life that is filled with pure joy, true fulfillment and inner bliss. This is something I wish for everyone and I believe is truly possible for anyone who seeks it.