The Polygamist's Daughter

Stories, Reflections and Conclusions of Life on the Inside


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Some Day I Am Going to Write a Book

I was seventeen years old when I climbed into the back of a car driven by a teenage boy I barely knew.  On that cold January night while the other passengers slept, I sat staring out the window watching the snow swirl around us as we sped through the Idaho dessert on our way to the promised land of Salt Lake City. Sitting in that car I never intended to go back to The Ranch or ever even look back. For the first time in my life I was free to chart my own destiny and although I had no idea what it looked like, I knew it wasn’t in the one place I had always called home.

For the next five years I struggled to make my way in the world I had been taught my entire life to fear. I attempted to drown my fears and sorrows in anyone and anything that came across my path as I searched for happiness and a sense of purpose. While on the outside I was a happy-go-lucky party girl, on the inside suicide plagued my mind. I lived a meaningless life riddled with shame and guilt, and with resentment toward myself and everyone in my past that had ever hurt me.

In my early twenties synchronicity brought me to learn that my inner turmoil was a result of my past experiences and that I was completely normal considering the trauma I had undergone. My mind began to open to new possibilities as I was introduced to self-help books and I began the process of what I now call self-therapy.

My books became my life saver and I told myself that someday I would write a book and give back to humanity the way that the teachers in my books had given to me. All of those years ago I had a dream of someday being an inspirational teacher to others. As the years went by I forgot about my desire to inspire people and followed the money instead. Just like so many other people do. I had a profitable business, traveled the world with my husband and children and I owned a beautiful home.  It wasn’t until the economy put me out of business that I began to wake up and remember the desire I once had.  My true life purpose began calling to me.

For several years I had been writing a book about my childhood and thought that it was the story that would bring me fame and fortune, but for some reason I could never seem to finish it. Now I know why. It wasn’t the book that had called me to write. The self-improvement book I had promised myself twenty five years earlier that I would write, pushed itself into the forefront. I had completely forgotten about that promise until one of my favorite self-help authors showed up on stage in front of me a few months ago. Then it all came flooding back. The only career I have ever really wanted and the only one that really inspired me was a career that inspired others.

Twenty five years later I am now a published author of the self-help book I said I would someday write. I am now standing on stages and mentoring others on how to find their own happiness and heal the trauma from their past.  I am finally doing the work that called to me so many years earlier and I am loving every minute of it.

So, how did I break through the barrier of “someday I am going to write a book” and actually do it? The push I needed to birth my new life as a published author showed up in my email one day. I don’t know where it came from or how I got on the list, and I said yes. The Transformational Authors Experience literally changed my life in so many ways.

If you have a book within you and you find yourself saying “someday I am going to write”, I highly recommend Christine Kloser’s author program. She only presents this once a year and I have found it so valuable I am doing it again this year.  The other book about my childhood is now finally finished and ready to move into the publishing process. Christine has now become a friend of mine and I can say with complete confidence that her programs make dreams come true. Checkout the Transformational Author Experience.

And if you have a few minutes to spare I recommend checking out my interview with Christine. I was one of only five authors chosen to share our TAE story. Listen to the interview here http://instantteleseminar.com/?eventid=40486098 and then go to the TAE website at click http://tinyurl.com/TAE-Kloser if you want more information on becoming an author yourself.


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Recovering from Spiritual Abuse

I define religious abuse as physical, sexual and human rights abuses that are justified by religious dogma and religious opportunists. Spiritual abuse is abuse of the human spirit and exists within many of our beliefs in the form of fear, which is often disguised as love. These beliefs prevent us from connecting to ourselves and to Spirit, and prevent us from experiencing unconditional love. These fear-based beliefs result in trauma that manifest in the same way as emotional abuse, leaving individuals who are filled with shame, guilt, resentment and depression. Our beliefs teach us we are born sinners, that we are to be ashamed of ourselves for our actions, that we don’t deserve to be in the presence of God and that we can’t possibly live up to God’s expectations of us, and so on. These beliefs not only traumatize us emotionally, they cause trauma to the soul and affect our beliefs about our soul’s worth.

We are told to believe in an unconditionally loving God, yet in the same token we are given a long list of conditions under which God will love us. We are told that we are separate from God and we are separate from love, and that both need to be painfully earned outside of ourselves through our actions. Most of us have been taught to love each other as God loves us. Our understanding of God’s love is conditional; therefore our love of others is conditional. We have been taught to love each other as we love ourselves, yet fear, guilt, shame, resentment and judgment about our own worth is reflected in the judgments we have toward others. How can we possibly love each other without condition when we don’t have unconditional love for ourselves?

The self-loathing that is induced by our fear-based beliefs causes spiritual trauma.  In order to heal this trauma we must first recognize the difference between spirituality and religion. Spirit is energy, and spirituality is the energetic essence of who we are. Connecting to spirituality is learning to connect to who we really are, deep within the core of our being, and understanding our true self. It is that part of us that is all-knowing and is connected to Infinite Intelligence, not the fear filled beliefs in our mind. Our beliefs are a result of messages we have picked up throughout our lifetime and we assumed were real. Once we learn to analyze our beliefs and see how they resonate deep within us, we can determine which beliefs are in alignment with our inner truth.

Recovering from spiritual abuse can be a long and often painful process because it causes us to reevaluate everything we think we know. As we peel off the layers of fear, face the source of the pain and learn to change our perceptions of our life experiences, the trauma associated with our beliefs begin to lift away. Love is the energy that heals all things and when we face our fears with love and compassion, our fears no longer have any control in our life. Every belief about who we think we are, why we are here and what is expected of us will come under scrutiny. Only when we do the inner work can we truly know our own individual journey, our own unique spiritual experience and our own path.  All transformation must begin within ourselves.

It is my understanding that we have come to a place in our collective evolution where we can comprehend the mind, body and soul connection, and see how soul trauma manifests as physical disease. Just as psychological and emotional abuse leads to physical disease, so does spiritual abuse.  And just as psychotherapy eventually became recognized as a legitimate form of treatment, I feel that spiritual therapy will someday be recognized. While some may claim that this therapy is already being provided at church, there is often a hidden agenda, which is to propagate the very beliefs in which the abuse occurred. We cannot heal the damage to our mind, heart, soul or body by repeating old patterns. As a result of this understanding we will see the emergence of more professionals such as Judith Orloff, M.D. and other enlightened therapists. This emerging field of professionally trained experts can, and will, bring about the healing of humanity, and assist the global transformation from a world based in fear to a world based in love.


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Memories of my Father

My father and I had a very tumultuous relationship from as far back as I can remember. I was a strong-willed and precocious child who asked too many questions and had my own mind. While my parents and religious leaders attempted to mold me into their version of the perfect child, I was not easily bent to their will. I craved learning, I craved a deeper understanding of why things were the way they were, and often my parents and those around me were unwilling or unable to answer my barrage of questioning. My mother always resorted to “Go ask your father,” and my father’s all too often answer was “Because I said so,” or “Because God said so.” Their inability to set my mind at ease left me to my own introspection.

My religion taught parents to bring their children to salvation by whatever means necessary. My father’s weapon of choice was his hand on my body. Whenever I failed him, or his religion, in any way, it resulted in a full assault on my bare behind.  I was terrified of my father and wanted nothing to do with him, yet in the same token I wanted desperately for him to love me.  I went out of my way to do things I hoped would make him proud of me, anything that would bring some kind of recognition or even a hint that he cared at all for my existence in his life.

As I grew older my hate for father grew, as did my hate for his religion. God for me was an angry and vengeful man just like my father.  I despised any God that would force me to feel so much pain, and force me to endure shame and guilt, simply for being human.

I was twenty-one years old before my father told me he loved me.  I had been away from home for nearly five years by that time. It was on a telephone call he made to me in an attempt to apologize for the kind of father he had been.  But I was unable to accept his apology.  It took all he had to say “I love you” and as he did I simply replied, “like Hell you do”, slamming down the phone, furious that he had taken so many years to give me what I had desperately craved as a child. I had never known love and as a result I did not know how to receive it or give it, not only to anyone else, but to myself.

It was several years before I had enough respect for myself, to be able to forgive my father.  It took a tremendous amount of courage on my part to face him and offer my forgiveness.  I did this not for him, but because I had finally found enough self-respect to know that I deserved to be free of the resentment I held toward him.  My father and I repaired the relationship, and over the years it evolved to be one of mutual respect and understanding. And while we would never agree about religion, or his concept of God, we agreed to disagree.  Today would have been my father’s birthday.  He passed away a few years ago, free of animosity or resentment between us.

As I came to understand myself, and my own brand of spirituality, I came to see my father with new eyes.  I came discover that deep beneath his tough and unrelenting exterior was a kind, gentle and sensitive man that only gentiles in the outside world were ever allowed to see.  It was a side of him that I never knew existed until a few years before his death, when I saw him for who he really was, and not who his religion expected him to be.