The Polygamist's Daughter

Stories, Reflections and Conclusions of Life on the Inside


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An Idle Mind Is A Tool Of The Devil…Not

“An idle mind is a tool of the devil” was one of the greatest misconceptions of my childhood. I’m pondering this morning on the subject of guilt, particularly on the subject of religious guilt. It was such a part of my childhood that it was the driving force behind my low-self esteem.

Even as a child my mind wondered into spiritual concepts and understanding what could not be explained by my parents religious dogma. They believed that their religion held every answer to every conceivable question, that it left “no stone unturned and no question left unanswered,” and therefore, any concept outside of their particular religion was a misconception from the devil attempting to tempt me and lead me astray.

I felt guilty for not having a testimony of our religion being the only true religion. I felt guilty for not getting up in church and telling people I believed the church to be true. I felt guilty for not believing everything I heard at church and in our religious teachings at school. I felt guilty for doubting God’s only truth. l felt guilty for allowing myself to have an idle mind that tempted me with other spiritual awareness. I felt guilty for my gifts of understanding concepts that were not taught to me by my leaders. I could not explain how I knew what I knew and felt guilty for knowing, because thinking for myself was seen as temptation. I felt so guilty for having spiritual gifts that I shut them down and tried to believe in, “the only right way.” But I never really bought into it and felt guilty for not following God’s pre-approved plan. Guilt in essence broke my heart and shut down my gifts of inspiration, all because I quieted my mind instead of keeping it busy with school and approved religious studies.

What I came to recognize a few years ago is that an idle mind is a tool for inspiration. It opens us up to higher concepts, allows the imagination to spur creation and forwards our individual and collective evolution. It is simply a matter of what we choose to tap into and focus on. I let go of guilt a long time ago and came to fully embrace the gifts of understanding that are a part of having an idle mind.

An idle mind is your greatest tool for inspiration. Quiet the chatter in your mind, allow yourself to question everything and listen for your truth to reveal itself to you.


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Finding My Purpose

I am now forty-something and have finally figured out what I want to be when I grow up.  My story does not end with leaving the community of my childhood, although when I left I hoped to write a new story and forget where I came from. I had hoped that by leaving my circumstances that the pain I felt deep inside of me would mysteriously disappear.  I had no idea that I had been a victim of what is now being recognized as religious and spiritual abuse.  All of the pain and trauma of my childhood followed me into my new life as I attempted to navigate the real world, with very little education and very few social skills.

In an attempt to fit in, and to drown the pain I felt, I abused myself through alcohol, drugs, sex and food, not recognizing that it was a form of self-abuse.  I was terrified of telling anyone where I came from or what I had experienced, out of fear that I would be institutionalized.  I floundered in a world I had been told my entire life to fear, in the belief that everyone in the outside world worked for the devil and existed to drag my soul into hell.  After several years of living on the edge of sanity and facing daily thoughts of suicide, I was introduced to self-help books by a roommate. That began the process of what I call self-therapy and took me on a road of self-discovery.  In that journey I learned what it meant to make choices for myself and how choices have consequences. I had never been allowed to make choices as a child, and I had no idea that I played any role in the direction of my life. I was simply a pawn in God’s game.

As I discovered that my choices create my reality, I began to create a life that most people would envy. I married a wonderful man, owned a successful business, traveled the world and eventually had two perfect children. Yet underlying all of the success I was never completely happy and I could not pinpoint why.

Several years ago when the economy crashed I faced what many would recognize as a mid-life crisis, and what I now lovingly call my mid-life rebirth.  I lost my business and my husband lost his work. We were over a million dollars in debt because of business failure and borrowing against our home to keep the business afloat. At one point we had spent all of our savings and maxed out all of our credit cards in the fight for survival.  There was a time when we had only $17 dollars remaining and had no idea where any more money would come from to feed our family.  We found ourselves in the throes of bankruptcy as the only way out of our dilemma and our home was forced into foreclosure. At that same time my children were both diagnosed with learning disorders and my marriage was failing.  Everything I had built for myself was crashing down around me.

In the midst of my chaos I discovered the roots of why I had never been happy and I began to rebuild my life with this new understanding.  I discovered that the fear-based beliefs of my childhood religion were a greater abuse than any physical or sexual abuse I endured. Much like emotional abuse, spiritual abuse affected me in a very deep an profound way that prevented me from finding true happiness.  Only worse, because unlike emotional abuse, which affected my mind and heart, spiritual abuse also caused trauma to my soul and affected inner worth.

In discovering this form of abuse I have now been able to work through it and heal it. This awareness has spawned me to become an advocate for those who have been traumatized by spiritual abuse and to speak out about the abuses that are hidden within religious dogma. Polygamy is one of those abuses that I recognize as a crime against humanity and justified by religion. This understanding has also spurred me to write books about the deception of religion and to become a documentary filmmaker with a focus on spiritual abuse and recovery. In my research I have discovered, that the pain I felt after I left my religion and my attempt to adjust to the real world, is similar to others who have left cult-like religions.  Drug and alcohol addiction, prostitution, teen pregnancy, poverty and suicide are common threads in nearly every story I have come across. While I am not anti-religion, I am not afraid to say it as I see it.  It is time for our religions to evolve.

I now live a life that is filled with pure joy, true fulfillment and inner bliss. This is something I wish for everyone and I believe is truly possible for anyone who seeks it.


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Revelations and Visions

I grew up with the notion that the mind was the devil’s playground and that it should always be kept busy with the words and works of God. Anything that came through imagination from Satan and was to be dismissed as such. In that belief I did not use my childhood imagination, did not allow myself to fantasize about a different life, and did not believe in magic of inspiration. Everything that existed in my life was literal, physical or explained by religion. There was no imaginative play, creative expression, or belief in the magical world of fairies, princesses and fantasies. There was no Santa Clause or Easter Bunny. If it was not justified by religious dogma, it simply did not exist or was considered evil.

In high school I was introduced to painting and I fell in love. But underlying my love of creativity was that already rooted belief that my desire for individual expression went against God’s will.  I gave up the one thing I loved most in life and never picked it up again. I was taught that the desire for anything beautiful came from a desire to be part of the world, and that the world was evil, under the control of Satan and his army of demons. And, I was taught that only men could receive revelations and visions from God.

As I grew older and came to understand what I saw as the true nature of God. I argued with my parents that God was not sexist, but still I did not understand the true meaning of revelation and vision. I was under the continued belief that only men could receive a direct connection to God, and those who called themselves prophets were the closest to God. I was jealous of men and resented them for their power over me. And, I did not make a connection between the power of my own mind and my ability to create.

It was not until a few years ago that I came to recognize I had been receiving revelations and seeing visions all of my life. Until that moment I did not see the creativity in every building, every business and every endeavor for what it really was. Everyone has access to inspiration, simply because they have a mind. Everything on earth that is created by humanity comes first though the imagination, and what I now come to recognize, as inspiration. Revelations and visions are imagination.

As I came to see the magical qualities of inspiration and creativity, I came to see the true ability of using and harnessing my mind and my imagination. I came to recognize that I could use the power of my imagination to create the direction of my life. I allowed my mind to open up to inspiration and the inspiration filled me up. I saw the power of envisioning and what vision really means, using my mind’s eye to create my desired reality. The ability to use my mind to see what I wanted created passion and enthusiasm around what I envisioned. As I envisioned what I wanted, it drew to me more inspiration. As I became more inspired I began overflowing with creative juices.  It became as though a tap had been turned on and I was unable to stop it.

The more I envisioned and created, the more was revealed to me about my own potential and unlimited possibility. The more I envisioned, the more revelation about my life purpose emerged. My life became so filled with passion and enthusiasm that I could no longer focus on my problems; I simply did not have the time for it. I began to live an inspired life, filled each day with visions of grandeur and revelations of what is possible, not only for myself, but for humanity as a whole.