The Polygamist's Daughter

Stories, Reflections and Conclusions of Life on the Inside


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Heart Power

As many of us have come to realize, all of our systems, nationally and globally, are undergoing a shift as more truth about our systems and their limitations are brought into the light. The availability of information can either be seen as a cause for blame and resentment or an opportunity to create new systems that not only benefit us individually, but the entire human family.

There are many of us who recognize that we are leaders and messengers in this global shift in consciousness. As leaders and messengers it is vital that we bring our Heart Power into everything we do. Harmony is the song of the universe and the energy of love is what causes it to flow gracefully.

It is vital that we bring our Heart Power into everything we do. For me using “Heart Power” means bringing compassion and understanding into every area of my life. Not just with my family and friends but into my work as well. It means looking past blame or resentment for what has been and seeing instead with compassion and understanding. Only with compassion and understanding can we see clearly into the possibilities of what can be.

Over the past few weeks I have found myself putting this Heart Power into practice as I worked in a documentary film I am producing regarding Warren Jeffs and the FLDS. Filming on location in Colorado City I was harassed by what the locals call the God Squad. During local interviews I heard numerous stories of abuse, kidnapping, animal torture, sex trafficking, rape, extortion and suicide…every possible atrocity known to humankind all justified by religion and a man who calls himself a prophet of God.

It is my life purpose to bring into the light the subjects of spiritual abuse and spiritual liberation. Because of my own healing and spiritual freedom from Mormon Fundamentalism I was able to see those affected by the FLDS practices and beliefs with compassion. They are people who are doing the best they can with what they know, good people who are misguided by a man who is driven by his own desires. As warped and twisted their lifestyle may be to the rest of us, deep inside they are no different. They are looking for guidance, acceptance and support.

Learning how to use the power of love also made it possible for me to see Warren Jeffs, as deviant as he may be, through compassion and understanding. Had it not been for his selfish desires as a religious zealot the story of the FLDS might never be told and the people would never find the freedom they deserve. Because of his abuses of religion and the people under his control the members of the FLDS will now have the opportunity to attain true liberation.

That knowledge makes my work worth the effort. Facing my work with heart brings the possibility of harmony to all those who may be served by my message. It brings the possibility of healing from the spiritual abuse that those affected have undergone. And it provides the rest of the world with the ability to see those affected by spiritual abuse with their own understanding and compassion.

As each of us brings Heart Power into our work, home, community and relationships, we will see a shift in humanity as a whole. Bringing love into everything we do individually has the potential to create a new world collectively. Love indeed is the most powerful thing in the world!


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In a Quandary

I began this blog for the purpose of enlightening readers on the subject of polygamy, its relationship with religion and my own experiences of growing up in a polygamist commune. It has been my intent from the beginning to express my viewpoints and share my memories from a place of acceptance and compassion while remaining free from judgment.

Over the past month I have connected with many other people who were brought up with the polygamist lifestyle. I have heard their opinions, research and findings with regard to polygamy and its impact in their lives and upon society as a whole. Most of them are adamantly against polygamy because of the pain it has caused in their lives and the lives of those they love. They have all been abused in some form as a result of this lifestyle, some as children and some as wives. They come from all over the world and from various religions with the intent of bringing into the light the truth behind the practice of polygamy; the truth of what goes on behind closed doors.  This group is made up of both men and women who wish to see progress toward equality and better treatment of humanity.  

As a result of being part of this group I began to feel againstness in my heart. I have become so spiritually in tune with myself that I can feel when I am not in perfect alignment with my own internal truth.  The feeling of againstness does not resonate with my soul and asks that I take a deeper look into how I really feel about polygamy.  This feeling of againstness has pulled the energy away from my original intent with this blog. In my feelings of againstness I lost sight of the compassion and acceptance that are the foundation of my life and who I have become.

And so I return again to how I really feel about polygamy as a lifestyle choice. Let us not forget that polygamy is a lifestyle choice. Unlike homosexuality and pedophilia which are physical and mental conditions respectively, polygamy is purely a choice. It is not a choice that I consider attractive in any way personally, but it is a choice that others find desirable. For some it is about real and genuine love, for some it is nothing more than sexual gratification or desperation, and for some it is based in fear and coercion with justification by religion.

I find myself in a quandary because I support love. When love is genuinely expressed between mutually consenting, loving and respectful adults I wholeheartedly support it. If men and women choose to invite other loving relationships into their marriage without coercion or control that should be their choice. And in actuality it always has been, but without the label of marriage. So why must that change? An open relationship allows the freedom of partners to make love with whomever they choose. The issue as I see it is with marriage itself. Leave morality out of marriage and allow it to simply be about love and all of the issues about who gets to marry simply goes away. But many people insist that marriage must be sanctified by their God and in order to make polygamy politically and morally correct it must be made legal.

How do we create an environment that allows people to openly express love with whomever they choose? (within legal age of course) How do we place limitations on the genuine expression of love? Do we sacrifice the good of the whole for the desires of the few who wish to be in a relationship with more than one person at a time?  The lifestyle of polygamy has overwhelmingly been proven to be harmful to the families who live it. How can we justify legalizing a lifestyle that has been proven harmful to society? If polygamy is legalized how do we protect those women and children who are and will continue to be abused by it?  Is it time for a complete restructuring and redefinition of marriage as a whole?  Do we even need marriage or is it an age old custom that has run its course?  These are the questions that plague my mind when I consider the ramifications of polygamy on an ever evolving society.  Humanity is evolving into a new way of being based in love and compassion for the whole human family. How does this play out on the subject of polygamy?  How can we support love while penalizing those who use the guise of love to harm and control others?

I am not a legal expert and this is a battle I am not qualified to fight. I will leave the legalities to those who are better equipped, to those who carry the evidence to support their arguments, and to those who are working toward the betterment of humanity.  The best that I can do is to continue to hold those who have been traumatized by this lifestyle in love and compassion and continue to hold myself in the truth that I support love.


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Finding Love

 

Love and marriage on The Ranch were a far cry from that in the real world and I had a twisted idea of what to expect when I went out into the world.  I had never felt love from my parents, my family, my friends or my community. Marriage was not based in love but in religious expectations and the hope for eternal exaltation that came with it. I had no idea what love really was because I had never known it. I simply felt very alone and empty. I gave my mind, my body and my heart to too many men in my search for anyone who would love me. I wanted so desperately for someone to make me feel loved that I played a very dangerous game with fire and was severely burned more than a few times.

At the ripe age of twenty-five I decided it was time to stop playing games, I was done with getting burned, and had accepted the life of being alone.  As an old maid where I came from people who knew me felt sorry for me. They would say annoying things such as “It’s so sad that you are alone and you don’t even have any children at your age.” or “You are just being too picky and you need to lower your standards”. My reply was simple, “I am not going to settle and I am not going to get married just for the sake of being married. I would rather be single and alone than in a relationship and miserable.” I had been in plenty of miserable relationships, I had dated the worst frogs known to woman kind, I was finished with dating just for the sake of dating. I had finally come to the place where I would rather stay home and clean toilets than go out on one more date with a man who wanted nothing more from me than my body. It was a game that had become nothing more than a despicable display of neediness.

I was tired of hunting and the last thing I wanted to bother with was to try to mold another person into my idea of the perfect guy. I wanted someone who was already perfect for me. I came to the realization that I needed to take the same approach to finding a mate that I had been taught as a means of creating success in other areas of my life. That was to set a goal for what I wanted. I also knew that before I could find my mate I needed to be very specific about what I wanted in him. I began a list. The first on my list of course was honesty. Several years later the list had grown to be three pages long. The list was based on insights from my dating life and I knew very well what I did and did not want. This was not three pages of one liners, but three pages of what I wanted and the reason each quality was important to me. At the end of my list was the disclaimer “All of these things I expect from my man I must also expect from myself”.

In the process of building my list I began to change and I became everything on that list. When I became all of those things I found a man who met every single requirement, and then some. The list was lost (another story) but not until after I recognized him as my soul mate. We have now been together for nearly 18 years and I am still very much in love with him and with myself. And although it hasn’t always been easy he is the perfect man for me.