The Polygamist's Daughter

Stories, Reflections and Conclusions of Life on the Inside


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Speaking My Truth

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As a little girl I was not allowed to have a voice. This went beyond the old saying of children being “seen and not heard”. It was a pervasive belief in my community and within my parent’s fundamentalist religion that females had nothing of value to say.

Looking back I suspect I was more boisterous and outspoken than most girls or possibly most children for that matter. We were taught to keep our arms folded, our legs crossed, our mouths shut and our minds closed. I had an issue with these rules according to my parents and I was constantly reprimanded for being too loud and opinionated. I was even told once by my mother that at a point in history I would have been burned as a witch for having my opinions. Talk about scaring me into keeping my mouth shut. Even my own mother fell for the belief that men and their opinions mattered more than women’s.

Yet somehow my spirited, and what my parents and everyone around me called my rebellious and stubborn nature, could not be completely squelched, at least not as easily as my parents and my leaders would have preferred. And I refused to play the role of the subservient and meek female I was expected to be. It isn’t that that I did not want to be what I was expected to be, I really did want to be good girl, it just wasn’t in my nature to sit still and keep my thoughts to myself.

That was until one day when I took my desire to be seen and heard to the stage. It was during a fundraising auction for a community/church event (they were one and the same) where teenage boys stood in front of a crowded room and offered up their time and services to the audience. I proudly took the stage among the boys in full confidence that what I had to offer was just as valuable as anything they could offer. Unfortunately for me and my already crumbling self-esteem, my actions were considered blasphemous and members of the audience booed me off the stage.

The humiliation of that experience and not being recognized for having any value affected me unconsciously for much of my life. It took me another thirty years to take the stage again. And it took me just as long to write my story and tell it in confidence. That was, until my calling to inspire others finally overtook my fear of being ridiculed.

Now I proudly share my story with others through public appearances and in my writing. My story finally has a voice. Giving a voice to my story has been truly transformational in so many ways. And the best part is that in sharing my story and my truth, I have seen it change the lives of others and I can finally see the value in my story, and in me.


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Remembering My Magnificence

For the past four and half years I have found myself in an amazing transformational journey. At first it was not so amazing as my entire life began crumbling around me and I wondered if and how I would ever find my foothold again. Everything I had spent my life working for no longer worked and much of my life stopped making sense. Somewhere in my thirties I forgot who I was and I thought I had arrived at who I wanted to be. Then it all came crumbling down.

I had known for most of my adult life that I would someday write about my story of growing up in polygamy. And after being introduced to self-improvement books in the 1980’s I set an intention with myself that someday after I found success I would write a self- improvement book. It would be my way of saying thank you to those who had helped me find my emotional freedom and a guidebook for others who were searching for theirs. The book about growing up in polygamy has been a work in progress for over twelve years, there I said it. I could not understand until recently why I was unable to finish this book and now I understand. I wasn’t ready, and the perspective to write it from needed the fine tuning that only comes with inner transformation and enlightenment. The self-improvement book birthed itself unplanned in the middle of writing the story of my childhood. I had forgotten about my intention to write the self-improvement book until a few months ago, several months after I published the book. Further evidence that intentions work, we just don’t always know the timing that causes them to manifest.

One other intention I had set for myself over the past few years was not to write or talk about my childhood or polygamy until I could communicate through the eyes of love. While the name of this blog indicates that my focus is on polygamy that was not my intention. I am not the expert on polygamy from an adult perspective and can never profess to be. I did not live it or feel the pain in my heart of sharing my husband. And yet I did see the pain it caused my parents and those closest to me, and I understand why they chose to live it under the guise of love and through religious coercion. Long after I left home I felt the guilt and shame that came with not living up to God’s expectation of me to live this, His most sacred law. And for many years I lived with the question of whether I would spend an eternity in Hell for letting Him down. I now see polygamy for the imbalance that it creates and that in the free-will-choice we are all guaranteed, many do and will continue to make choices that cause them pain and suffering for the promise of eternal exaltation.

My intention for writing this blog was to share stories about my childhood and how the lessons I have learned in the last four plus years of my transformational journey can help others in seeing their past with new eyes. While I support those who are out fighting the fight to breakdown religious tyranny, bring about global human rights and expose the harms against humanity in the name of religion, standing in the trenches fighting the fight is not in alignment with my higher purpose. My purpose in all of my writing, speaking, mentoring, and filmmaking is to uplift those who are fighting the fight, to remind them of who they are and why they fight for all of humankind. For a very long time I felt alone in the discussion of religion and how it is no longer necessary for the ascension of humanity. Now I know that there are many who are telling this truth, which frees me up to return my focus to my heart’s work. The work of inspiring those who are ready to open their minds, hearts and souls to their own greater possibilities. To let them see that the veil of separation is nothing more than an illusion and that we are all truly magnificent.