The Polygamist's Daughter

Stories, Reflections and Conclusions of Life on the Inside


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Suffering In Silence

The religion that I grew up with told us that suffering was a gift from God for women, and women suffering in silence allowed men their birthright to have joy. Suffering made women more beautiful because it kept them meek and humble, and at the feet and will of men.

The paradox of joy and suffering, in this system of belief was very extreme, and was encoded in me as a very young child. It is still a work in progress, as life is. Finding the courage to speak my truth in the presence of men can still unnerve me at times.

Suffering does’t make anyone more beautiful, but it can offer a lesson in self-growth that can lead to a more beautiful way of moving through life.

The paradox of joy and suffering are a part of the human experience, as paradoxes are. The paradox exists as a medium for growth. There is a difference between embracing the paradox of joy and suffering, and being a doormat for suffering in the belief that it is a spiritual practice.

Joy is a result of recognizing the suffering exists and healing it; first accepting its existence, and second, treating it with healthy applications of love, beginning with self-love. 

The paradox of suffering and joy exists. How we work with the paradox is how we find joy. This is with our own suffering, as well as the suffering of others. 

Recognizing the suffering, and wallowing in it without resolution, are two different things. There is also a difference between processing the suffering and spiritually bypassing it.

Without recognition and acceptance, then processing and resolution, the lesson that suffering has to offer isn’t learned. Ignoring, stuffing (staying sweet and silent) or bypassing the suffering halts to path to joy. Until the lesson is learned, the suffering will continue, and joy is held at bay. 

The suffering will keep coming up, again and again, until it is resolved and the lesson is learned.  

Choose to see the suffering as an opportunity for personal self-growth. This requires facing it with courage, refusing to stuff it and pretend it doesn’t exist and resolve it with love and fortitude. 

Life is that ALL beings might have joy. Everyone suffers, it is part of the human experience on earth school. How long we suffer, and how we manage the suffering is a choice. We are all empowered with choice.

Choose Joy! 


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Remembering My Magnificence

For the past four and half years I have found myself in an amazing transformational journey. At first it was not so amazing as my entire life began crumbling around me and I wondered if and how I would ever find my foothold again. Everything I had spent my life working for no longer worked and much of my life stopped making sense. Somewhere in my thirties I forgot who I was and I thought I had arrived at who I wanted to be. Then it all came crumbling down.

I had known for most of my adult life that I would someday write about my story of growing up in polygamy. And after being introduced to self-improvement books in the 1980’s I set an intention with myself that someday after I found success I would write a self- improvement book. It would be my way of saying thank you to those who had helped me find my emotional freedom and a guidebook for others who were searching for theirs. The book about growing up in polygamy has been a work in progress for over twelve years, there I said it. I could not understand until recently why I was unable to finish this book and now I understand. I wasn’t ready, and the perspective to write it from needed the fine tuning that only comes with inner transformation and enlightenment. The self-improvement book birthed itself unplanned in the middle of writing the story of my childhood. I had forgotten about my intention to write the self-improvement book until a few months ago, several months after I published the book. Further evidence that intentions work, we just don’t always know the timing that causes them to manifest.

One other intention I had set for myself over the past few years was not to write or talk about my childhood or polygamy until I could communicate through the eyes of love. While the name of this blog indicates that my focus is on polygamy that was not my intention. I am not the expert on polygamy from an adult perspective and can never profess to be. I did not live it or feel the pain in my heart of sharing my husband. And yet I did see the pain it caused my parents and those closest to me, and I understand why they chose to live it under the guise of love and through religious coercion. Long after I left home I felt the guilt and shame that came with not living up to God’s expectation of me to live this, His most sacred law. And for many years I lived with the question of whether I would spend an eternity in Hell for letting Him down. I now see polygamy for the imbalance that it creates and that in the free-will-choice we are all guaranteed, many do and will continue to make choices that cause them pain and suffering for the promise of eternal exaltation.

My intention for writing this blog was to share stories about my childhood and how the lessons I have learned in the last four plus years of my transformational journey can help others in seeing their past with new eyes. While I support those who are out fighting the fight to breakdown religious tyranny, bring about global human rights and expose the harms against humanity in the name of religion, standing in the trenches fighting the fight is not in alignment with my higher purpose. My purpose in all of my writing, speaking, mentoring, and filmmaking is to uplift those who are fighting the fight, to remind them of who they are and why they fight for all of humankind. For a very long time I felt alone in the discussion of religion and how it is no longer necessary for the ascension of humanity. Now I know that there are many who are telling this truth, which frees me up to return my focus to my heart’s work. The work of inspiring those who are ready to open their minds, hearts and souls to their own greater possibilities. To let them see that the veil of separation is nothing more than an illusion and that we are all truly magnificent.